Beer troubleshooting matrix
If you're out for a beer and something seems odd, consult this helpful guide to find the cause and remedy.
| SYMPTOM | FAULT | ACTION |
|---|---|---|
| Feet cold and wet | Glass being held at incorrect angle | Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling |
| Feet warm and wet | Improper bladder control | Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training |
| Beer unusually pale and tasteless | Glass empty | Get someone to buy you another beer |
| You're drinking Budweiser | Get someone to buy you a real beer | |
| Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights | You've fallen over backwards | Have yourself leashed to the bar |
| Mouth contains cigarette butts | You have fallen forward | See above |
| Beer tasteless, front of shirt wet | Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face | Retire to toilet, practice in mirror |
| Floor blurred | You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass | Get someone to buy you another beer |
| Floor moving | You are being carried out | Find out if you are being taken to another pub |
| Room seems unusually dark | Pub has closed | Confirm home address with barman |
| Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures | Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations | Cover mouth |
| Everybody looks up to you and smiles | You are dancing on the table | Fall on somebody cushy-looking |
| Beer is crystal clear | It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up | Have words with them |
| Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear | You have been in a fight | Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them |
| Don't recognise anyone or recognise the room you're in | You've wandered into the wrong party | See if they have free beer |
| Your singing sounds distorted | The beer is too weak | Have more beer until your voice improves |
| You don't remember the words to a song | The beer is just right | Play air guitar |
